I watched the beginning and end of Elizabethtown, the movie, tonight.
I think it should be said that I liked it much better the second time around.
Anyway, what I was thinking about is to the tune of what's happening in the above picture. For those unfamiliar with the plot of the movie, all you really need to know is that, in the end, the Hero and the Heroine find inner-healing and a wonderful love for each other, plus a pretty sweet end-of-the-movie kiss to match. As I watched Orlando Bloom run handsomely into Kirsten Dunst's arms for a life-changingly adorable embrace, something occurred to me. I watched as they pulled apart to fondly examine each other's faces in deep affection before going in for the kiss. I smiled a small and happy smile as the credits rolled after one last endearing shot of the two lovers leaning forehead-to-forehead, looking in one another's eyes. I found myself wishing for a moment like that of my own to inhabit my very near future, and then I did an internal double-take.
You have to understand, I have no shortage of adorability in my life. I have an adorable boyfriend who takes me on adorable dates to take adorable pictures of us doing adorable things together so that the whole world can adore us being adorable. But, still, when Kirsten and Orlando are star-gazing in one another's eyes, a part of my heart leaps up in hopeful yearning. It says, "let's do that for the rest of infinity," and yet...I know better.
I know that living from cute moment to cute moment is the kind of heart-dependency that gets me leaning up against the wrong tree. Eventually, the tree will snap, just like that. You just can't lean on affection like that, and I think that might be one of the ugliest beautiful things about love. When you find the real thing, you can lean on it. You can even find just little baby pieces of it and start to lean on them. But when it comes to the moments of heart-melting adorability, maybe the only way to find the right leaning place is to look for the deeper roots of love within affection.
I don't know. I think that the reason all these words are rushing around within me is because I have very often felt like I am in pursuit of something that so many people just do not see. It's like if the world was walking around in the Sistine Chapel without ever looking up. They'll see beautiful things, but they'll never see the utmost beauty. I mean, it's just what loving Jesus is like. It's what loving is like. The world parades around with banners proclaiming the fame of love, but they will not acknowledge its Origin. They pursue skin, and affection, and sex, and passion- but never the thing that weaves them all together. They're in the Sistine Chapel, and they're staring at their shoes.
I want affection, founded in love.
Just some thoughts.
More thoughts:
1. Late-night freedoms. I have been so tired lately. Life is moving so rapidly, and there is so much I am choosing to face that makes me feel like someone is holding a gun to the future. There's this list of things I have to be able to be and do, and I can live in peace. Sans the ability to accomplish these things, everything explodes. Obviously, this is the dramatized way-it-feels version, but at least I'm being honest about that. Anyway. I've been so tired, but I've been such a night owl. You're probably thinking something along the lines of, "great logic, Annie. Why are we talking about this?" What I am trying to say is that the PM has become my place of refuge and silence. So much is being crammed inside my daytimes that I and the quietness for which my sanity begs are being shoved out into the night hours. How sad is that? I like my little nocturnal refugee camp, but I'm thinking it's probably not a healthy pattern to live speedily all day until I want to just sleep, and then rob myself of that privilege in order to listen to the quiet house for a couple of hours. It's a lovehate situation, but I'm too tired to organize my emotions, so I'll just accept the habit for now.
2. Three hour sleepings. I adore naps. Napping is a lost art which should be forcefully and rapidly re-instated as a weekly, if not daily, ritual. I slept for three hours today to make up for a sleepover last night. My body is begging for more, but it was still so wonderful. Even if I wake up in a weird mood, the mental slowing-down process of falling asleep is a beautiful thing, even in the middle of the day.
3. Dangerous trustings. I still need to work out the job situation. Or, I still need God to work it out on my behalf. I know he's got this. I'm just trying not to be stressed about it.
Oh, man. I've got to sleep.
Thank you for reading.
I hope this all made sense, considering my state-of-brain.
Love to you all.
Sweet dreamings.
4 comments:
I watched Elizabethtown for the first time on Wednesday. It made me quite depressed afterwards, actually. It was a good movie, and I liked how Dunst was on the awkward side...it made her more charming. But you're right, even an awkward couple does not justify the fact that what they had was affection, not love. It's very difficult to comprehend love, probably because God says He is love, and we all know how ridiculously perplexing He is.
I think there are moments where we too, God's children, join the world in staring at our shoes. I find myself doing so quite often. I think the biggest mistake, however, is not staring at our shoes. It's the disease of our flesh to be attracted to lesser beauty. But the biggest mistake, I've realized, is thinking I'm not capable of mistaking shoes for a Sistine Chapel Ceiling.
When children think about "when they grow up," they don't say, "I want to be a terrorist." "I want to rob a bank." "I want to have an affair"...yet these things happen. Maybe one of the reasons is denying the fact that they are capable of such destruction and thinking they can live a sistine ceiling life on their own.
I too, am a night owl, and I've hooted enough.
Olivia
i like that you want to be rooted and grounded in love, true love, not just for-now obsession. I admire that in you. Because it is really rare, Annie. i don't think you realize enough what a rare gem you are. You're special. wanting to pursue the right kind of relationship with sam, amung other relationships in your life, is extraordinary. To me, this blog speaks volumes about you, past all the words you already said.
anyway, i'll be praying about that job situation. i hope the answer comes soon.
and about those late nights... maybe you could switch your habit to going to bed somewhat early (like, 9, 10) and wake up early and enjoy the morning peace? then, take a nap mid day! two in one!
just a thought.
whellll, time for school!
love you, darling dear.
you are my starshine, annabella. :-) live sweetly this day.
~ellabell
a couple of things (maybe more once I start writing...)
1. I have decided that perspicacious has become a writing prompt for me. Sometimes the writing is a comment here, sometimes something in my journal -not to share. Don't forget I once wrote a blog entitled, "Annie, to answer your question." (Thus I would say yes, it affects my life.) Not however, that I read because it gives me something to write about. I read because your observations are worth reading and you have wonderful voice.
2. "I know that living from cute moment to cute moment is the kind of heart-dependency that gets me leaning up against the wrong tree."
I believe that we are made to enjoy what you call cute moments. Cute moments matter. Cute catches our eye and engages our heart. Cute I'm assuming means romantic (sigh...) I think that cute moments are like icing on cake. You're supposed to have them. In small measure. Like at the beginning (a must on your wedding cake) and to celebrate moments all along the way. But no one would seriously stock their pantry with cake icing. And no personal trainer in their right mind would recommend cake icing for muscle development. No, for that you need protein. Relational muscle is developed when people have common experiences that are "meaty". Painful and/or full of tension. When that other person, be it friend or boyfriend or spouse is no longer mesmerizing, but requires you to put forth effort and sacrifice. Relational strength comes when we learn how to communicate even when the other party is unreasonable (or in the midst of our own unreasonableness...)
I don't know Annie. I say lean on the tree. But not for too long. Just be sure that you know what the 'cute' tree can bear. When you bury a baby together, cry over a prodigal together, work through differences that are never going to go away, submit to each other, choose each other when you don't have to... then you can put your full weight on it. The wonderful thing is, it's still a 'cute' tree, just one with deep roots. (That occasionally bears a bit of 'cute' fruit. Usually around birthdays and anniversaries...)
3. And then there are those of us who know that a masterpiece exists in the Sistine Chapel. We can give you all kinds of information about subject matter and methodology. We even pronounce Michelangelo like Mee-kel-ahn-jello in an NPR announcer voice. We tell the story and have prints of God's hand reaching down to Adam, but we aren't moved to tears... and then, silly us, our neck cramps and we are looking at our shoes wondering where the beauty went. Or we're upset that there are too many tourists and sovenirs - it's all too commnercial so we can'twon't go in and be moved anymore...
4. Sleep. I'm more of a food person myself. Naps make me wierd and make me feel like I just wasted 3 hours. (I DO NOT think that 10 min. counts as a nap!) Anyway, I think that sleep is a wonderful thing in it's proper place - when it is rest and not escape.
5. As you know, I am a quiet in the morning person. However, there are definite benefits to quiet in the night. Quiet in the night can be stretched out longer than quiet in the morning. It reaches out as far as you can make your brain work. But for me, quiet in the night is bit lonely and a bit of a rest-robber. (probably because I turn into a pumpkin at 10pm and lose perspective.) Quiet in the morning is a tiny space between stretching awake and having to be responsible. Maybe I love it because it is fleeting. It has wings.
Yeah, that was more than a couple of things...
I am thinking that maybe I should watch Elizabethtown again, since you liked it better the second time. I've seen it once, and I thought it was cute, but I was not enthralled. I thought it played off of Garden State too much...but I know that doesn't mean it isn't a great film.
Thank you for your words about leaning on cute but brittle trees. I needed that. You have a lot of wisdom inside that wonderful heart of yours, Annie.
And the Sistene Chapel and the shoes...that is so true girl. So, so true. And people even go to shoe stores to try and find the best ones, thinking that they have reached the extent of beauty, that there is nothing else. When they could just lift their eyes and see something that would take their breath away.
I am definitely with you on the late night quiet. I love morning times to, but like someone said in a comment, night times are indispensable. One thing I hate more than anything is feeling rushed and cramped for time. You can make the night last as long as you need it to. But the time of day I really long for is the afternoon. But, like the morning, the few sacred hours of afternoon sun are fleeting. But I am definitely an afternoon girl at heart.
Alright girl, I love you, and goodnight.
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