my soul alight.

Good morning.



If you know me, you know I am not one for addictions. Freedom and free-will appeal to me much more deeply than any compulsive habit I could form. Now, I am aware that anything can be an addiction, but I'm talking substance here. So, in light of this, I generally stand far enough away from stuff that's culturally labeled "addictive" to avoid getting consumed by what I consume. Sodas, cigarettes, whatever- I'm not a huge fan.

However.

This morning, as the crispness of fall comes in like a deep breath of change, a warm yellow mug of coffee and a long overdue slice of perspicacious are my companions of choice.

Today feels like what I've been waiting for since July. I think I am just not a summer-weather type person these days. My heart was almost pounding as I took those first few breaths of real autumn air and spoke aloud to the weather, "please stay as long as possible."

And then, remembering Georgia's propensity to forget the timeline of the seasons, added, "but I would like winter sometime in November."

Anyway. All of this to say that I am in love with today. I slept in and dreamt a fairytale dream full of the kind of feelings that persist even into the daytime. Good feelings. I ate lunch first, and then had coffee for breakfast and dessert. I'm wearing a jacket that smells like a boy I like, and pajama pants that feel like rest and home. Caramel coffee is warming me all the way up and down, while the sun hides behind the gray-blue autumn clouds. It is just a good day to unwind.

It's the kind of day that would unwind me if I didn't have time to let myself unwind, anyway. I have needed this change for so long. It feels like the weather finally caught up to transitional whirlwind my life has been lately, like we're finally on the same page.

Now, granted, it's Georgia, which, when it comes to weather, is the universe's center of false hope. Our blizzards are an inch deep and one subdivision losing power for half an hour is STORM WATCH 2007. So, it might be a couple of weeks before days like today take up permanent residence...but it will be worth the wait.

Anyway.

Thoughts.


1. The Dream. In my fairytale dream this morning, there was one scene in particular that I cannot seem to shake. I greeted mom this morning with something like a "Good morning, I'm making lunch, wanna hear about my dream?" It's just been stuck in my mind so unrelentingly. And I don't necessarily want to rid myself of it...I just keep turning it over in my mind. It's this scene of a girl weeping in the grief of her true love having left her. He loves her, but believes her to be in love with someone else, and leaves in the belief that he is doing what's best for them both. She is, of course, completely distraught.

What captured me most was the way I saw her sadness in my dream. She literally came apart with mourning. As I said, it was a fairytale dream and I think she was not actually a person like you or me. She was made up of these threads of braided silver, the way we are made up of atoms and molecules. So, when her love left her, there was a crowd walking by her wondering why she didn't appear to be mourning at all. Suddenly, though, I could see clearly the silver threads inside of her; they were trembling and shaking and coming undone with grief. As the threads trembled, they began to sweat tears, and I could see her skin shining and wet from it. From the inside out, she was weeping with every fiber of her being. She was falling apart. After all of this, streams of tears began to pour from her eyes, but the ache began on the inside. People wondered why she looked so composed, but she quaked on the inside and unraveled completely, all for the love of this boy that had gone away.

Needless to say, I have never before dreamed anything like this.

My heart wept with her. I was completely involved with her and her story; a very strange feeling.

Anyway. That's just a snapshot. The rest of the dream was similar, but very jumbled, and it would be bordering on fruitless to even try to make it turn into writing.

2. Rest. I am learning that rest and sleep are two very different things. I sleep often. Every night I collapse into bed and smile at the idea of taking refuge in my sheets, if only for a few hours. But bordering on both edges of this are demands from life and living, the kind that can neither be put off or avoided in good conscience. I have come to appreciate sleep more deeply as it has come to feel like a rarity in my life, but rest is a different kind of treasure altogether. I appreciate sleep the way a soldier would appreciate a well-hidden foxhole on the battlefied; I can be safe there for a little while, but it is neither permanent nor the end of my struggle. Rest is like coming home for Christmas, or the war ending altogether. I'll go back to the fighting eventually, but for now I can just love where I am, and breathe deeply without the smell of shots being fired.

Honestly, I really like the way things are in my life, even when I'm not resting. My job, my school, my endless driving up and down I-85...it is a good life. But it wears on you to be working twenty-something hours, schooling and home-working, trafficking and spending infinite amounts of dollars on fuel, and doing it all from dawn til way-past-dusk for at least five days a week.

So, today is much needed, and much appreciated.


3. The Roses. My wonderful boyfriend, upon the anniversary of our three months of dating, gave me a sweet little Parade Rose bush to keep in my room. It was so lovely, with its flourishing throng of golden yellow blooms. I adored the idea of keeping it alive in my room until it was too enormous to keep inside any longer, and I even did research to find out how to preserve such a thriving state of floral euphoria:

"The Miniature Rose also called Parade Rose among other names, is an extremely common and beautiful houseplant. To me Miniature Roses seem to add a bit of elegance to a home. These houseplants require more work than most houseplants." - some blog about houseplants


Okay so, I'm thinking, "Eh, I got this. A little pruning, a little watering, the right light...it'll be fine."

And yet somehow, here, a week later, what do I have?


A dagum rose GRAVEYARD.

I feel awful.

I still have hope though. I really want to save my little plant. It was so darling in the beginning. I believe we can persevere.


So.
If you have any suggestions for how to sustain my darling's life, please let me know.

Anyway, it is time to move forward in the day. A shower? A nap? A phonecall to a friend? Anything I like.

Resting days are wonderful in every way.